the end is only the {beginning}

i made it!  

today is day 40.  i never realized just how much yoga would change and affect me.

-physically, i lost 19 pounds (ahem, really 18.8, but may i count the .2?).  i see and feel muscles that i haven't been able to in - seriously - over 10 years.  but really? it goes much deeper than that....

-i am strong.  i have much much more weight to lose, but MY body, the size that it is, the weight that i still carry, MADE IT.  i MADE it.  my body may be imperfect, but i am strong.  and both my body and my mind made it through this challenge.  i can hold poses that i never thought i could, and was FAR from holding, just 40 days ago.  neither my body nor my mind failed me.

(this has been on my bathroom mirror for the past 40 days)

-i am learning to 'just breathe.' i try to take each moment as it happens and just. breathe.

-i eat mindfully.  i've worked very hard these past 40 days, and i don't want to get back to where i started.  i will NEVER be back to that weight, or how i felt emotionally, again.  i am not strict in that i won't eat 'bad' food, but i am mindful about it.  i still log everything at www.myfitnesspal.com.  

-i am still thirsty.  my google reader is full of positive, motivating blogs.  i signed up for a 2-yr. subscription to 'yoga journal.'  i want to constantly improve - spiritually, physically, emotionally and financially.

-i am more confident in that perhaps people aren't judging me as much as i thought they were.  i am more than just an overweight, quiet girl. :)  i have a lot to offer.  i put myself out there, opening up to people, by just going to the yoga studio... and i have met some extremely amazing people.

my first goal is at it's end.  and i met it.  i practiced yoga for 40 days.  in a row.  but, this is not the end.  this is the beginning.

i am jeri.  

i am strong.  

i am open.  

i am thirsty.  

i am constantly improving.  

i am - on my way - to happy.

(after my last hot class on day 40)

-until next time,

jeri

be {still}

being still is so very hard for me.  i am always doing SOMETHING.  my leg is constantly bobbing up and down, i fold clothes while i watch tv, i'm thinking of the next thing on my to-do list when i'm trying to focus on what i'm currently doing.... sometimes i even do all of THAT at once. ;)

really, the only time i'm 'still-ish' is when i'm at church or in a movie theatre.  it's rude to be on my phone in church, and it's against the rules in the theatre ;)

my mind consists of one big checklist, and i'm looking forward to the next 'thing'.

i know that's wrong.  i KNOW that.  yoga is making me face what i already know about myself:

i need to learn to be still.  to be present.  to just breathe.

as they say, i need to 'stop and smell the roses'. 

every year, my husband and i make a birthday video for our daughters.  it's kind of their 'year in review.'

when our youngest had her 1st birthday, we included this song:

one of my favorite lines is: 'saw a flower growin' in the middle of the sidewalk, pushin' up through the concrete, like it was planted right there for me to see.'

there is so much beauty in this world.  i need to remember to be PRESENT.

i need to BE STILL.  i need to breathe in whatever moment i find myself.

unfortunately, i can't make it to the yoga studio every day.  i really wish i could!  last night, i was practicing at home.  i rolled out my mat, lit a candle, turned off the lights, cracked my window (i love the smell of winter) and turned on my yoga playlist.

i was laying in 'corpse pose' when the below song came on.  

i've been struggling a little in that the 40-day is almost up (today is day 37).  yoga will be a part of my life forever, but it's a little hard for me not knowing what my schedule will be, etc..  

i am very proud of how far i've come since this challenge began (will write more on that later), but i'm finding it difficult to look at how far i've come and not how far i have to go.

*see?  i'm going on a tangent... i'm not being 'still' in my original thoughts... ;)

ANYway, i was in 'corpse pose', and i felt the wind blow in my room.  i know it was a windy night, but i really felt like it was God.  reminding me i'm not alone.  that i have help.  that i CAN do this.

-until next time,

j

...i was {running}

i ran a mile tonight.  i know, not a big deal to most people, but i haven't run a consecutive mile in over 16 years.  and when i say 'run', i really mean a slow (as in a 17 min. mile) jog.

but you know what?

(photo from pinterest)

my goal tonight was to just RUN.  to just KEEP AT IT.  and i did.  

today is also day 24 of 40 in my yoga challenge.  i truly believe yoga helped me finish my mile.  i paced myself, i breathed calmly (or tried to - haha), i pushed myself, and just like when i'm holding crow, i knew the mile wouldn't last forever.  yoga has helped me get stronger mentally and physically.

i feel so much better after having MOVED for the past 24 days.  i love that my girls ask WHEN i'm going to yoga (or walking/jogging on the treadmill).  they expect me to MOVE.  i am happy that i am becoming a healthier role-model for them.

(photo from pinterest)

until next time,

-j

{music}

music has always been a big part of my life.  i started singing when i was little.  i sang in the church choir, was in chorus in high school, and was a voice-performance major my freshman year of college (and graduated a finance major - go figure).  i took piano lessons, dance, played the alto sax in middle school, and i want to learn how to play the guitar (perhaps by the time i'm 35?).  i can also play a mean recorder.  just ask my husband - haha.

there are so many songs in the soundtrack to my life.  there are so many memories connected to those songs.  i love songs that are not well-known or 'mainstream'.  when i hear a song during a show like 'grey's anatomy' or on 'so you think you can dance', etc., i go to google, type in some of the lyrics i remember, and add them to my itunes wishlist (or sometimes i'm really crazy and i go ahead and buy them ;)). 

it is amazing when i hear someone singing live, knowing exactly what they're feeling as they're hitting that perfect note, in that perfect spot in their voice, and getting chills (and sometimes tears).  amazing.

i love love love the playlists that rachel plays during my hot class.  i know that i'm supposed to be breathing and not *thinking*, but my mind drifts to the lyrics and sometimes i find myself keeping time to the music with my breath.  and i do try to snag pieces of the lyrics so that i can find the songs in itunes later on.  (sometimes you'll see me in my car after class, just typing away on my iphone.  last night i found two).

music is my therapy.  it is healing.  and i completely love it.

-j

i am thirsty

my journey thus far has been incredible.  if even just to me.

i FEEL better, i have lost weight (13 pounds and counting), i am stronger, i found a love in yoga, i have made great strides in my personal life (perhaps i will share one day)...and i am thirsty.

i thirst for more of God's Word, i thirst for yoga, i thirst for happiness, i thirst for continuous self-improvement...

a girl in my 40-day group posted the following picture onto our facebook group.  i found it on pinterest:



for most of my life, i have not actually 'lived'.  i have used the way i look as an excuse.  an excuse not to go shopping (why stand around while others try on clothes that don't fit me?), to go out in college (who would want to look at me?), to go to the gym (with everyone else looking hot while they sweat... while i just looked sweaty), etc. etc..

so, even SHOWING UP at the yoga studio was a HUGE step for me. :)  and i am so glad i had the courage to do so.

because while i was missing out on EXPERIENCES in my life, i was minimizing my own determination.  my own strength. 

i have every right to live life and experience, just like everyone else who i used to think deserved it more than me.

i am MORE than the way i look.  i am beginning to realize that now.  i have a lot to offer to the people around me.

i am so THIRSTY to continue to improve myself - spiritually, mentally, physically... and i thank you for supporting me in my journey.

-j

hot yoga makes my eyeballs sweat

i was planning on going to the 6:00am efficient class today, but i just wanted (i won't say that i just *couldn't* make myself get up at 4:50) to sleep later. it worked out that i could go to two classes tonight (girls, does that count for day 12 AND 13? ;)). i chose to go to hot and yin.

i've only shared this blog with my 40 day group and a few loved ones. today, after a friend read my first post, i received one of the most touching emails i've ever received. i carried around snippets of that email in my head throughout the rest of my day.

a portion said that no matter what i've been through in my life, i am a strong person. as i was shaking while holding poses tonight, i said to myself that i am strong. even though i couldn't (yet!) hold (or attempt) certain poses, i am strong. i am using the body that God has given me. i am making it the way He intended. i am using MY body to improve myself, to make me sweat, to make me strong. i am using MY body that gave me my beautiful girls. my practice is mine. i am constantly becoming stronger in the physical sense, like i am strong in the non-physical. i am different than anyone in the studio. i am me, and they are them. we each push our body as far as we can. but i'm not going to automatically assume i can't do something just because of how i look. i AM strong.

during our class, the speakers stopped working. the sound of rachel's instructions and the calm breathing (um...panting? ;)) were all we could hear for awhile. at the end of class, when we went into corpse pose (i can't remember the real term), rachel tried the speakers again, and "have a little faith in me" was on. now, i don't know if that was going to be the next song anyway had the speakers not gone out, or if she turned that song on especially for the end of class. i'll believe the former...

as i lay there, trying to calm my breath and just BE (which is hard for me), i heard snippets of the song... i know it's not intended this way, but i'm going to have a little faith in ME.

so tonight? as the song was playing, feeling the cool cloth on my head, and as i was laying in puddles of my hard-earned sweat, i wasn't just tearing up as i sometimes do while practicing yoga. tonight? full on heaves.

thank you, rachel, for a wonderful class.

the time is NOW...

this blog is going to be very open and honest.  i hope that it will help others open up if they need to.  we can all help each other.  'no man is an island.'  


i ran across the below (in italics) in my 'drafts' folder in my email account.  it is dated 01.20.10.  yes, almost two years ago...


things that my body hinders me from (or makes hard for me to do):
-being happy
-sitting comfortably (car, work, theatre, planes, etc.)
-crossing my legs
-looking nice
-painting my toe nails
-tying my shoes
-finding clothes that fit (funny how i can't find clothes to work out in, either!)
-LIVING


the time to change is NOW.  i am tired of it.  i'm tired of excuses, and i'm tired of the 'i'll start on monday', 'i'll start on the 1st', 'i'll start on the 1st.  of january'.  although much more has changed in my life in the past almost-three years (perhaps i'll go into it all sometime), i HAVE to change.  NOW.


although i ran across the above in my drafts folder, i actually made this declaration in december.  i had decided that 2012 will be MY year.  much has gone on in my life over the past few years (as in everyone's, i know) that has affected my weight.  i know now that IT didn't affect my weight; eating is how i chose to deal with it.  it was MY choices that made me get to where i am.


regarding my food - my husband, brother, sister-in-law and i are tracking our food and exercise on the   myfitnesspal app.  i started on 01.03.12 7.6 pounds more than i am now.  i have been mindful of every bite i put in my mouth.  if i bite it, i write (or type ;)) it.  


as far as exercise and MOVING - i have a friend who started a blog about her journey with yoga.  she happened to write her first post on a night where i was completely down.  it was just what i needed!  because of her blog, i joined her at the yoga studio on december 20th, and i ended up loving it and signing up for a 40 day yoga challenge.  i have practiced yoga for 10 days in a row now (the challenge began on january 8th).


yoga has been my life-saver.  i know that sounds cheesy and all, being that i am so new to it.  because of how i chose to deal with all that i have been dealt in life, i'm very overweight, have the self-esteem of an ant (or perhaps a speck of dust), and have really had to lean into my Faith.  


my goal for this year is HEALTH.  that is all-encompassing to me.  i want to become healthy emotionally (learning how to live life without harming myself (eating more, etc.), physically (obvious - i need to lose a lot of weight and gain strength), financially (i need to get out of debt), and spiritually (i need to continue to grow as a Christian).  i want to be a better wife and a role-model for my children.


yoga is my outlet to do all of the above.  well, aside from the debt part ;)  it is very calming, i don't feel judged by how i look, we are all in it together, and i feel it's something i can do for the rest of my life.


okay, that's all for now.  be warned... i am a much better writer than speaker ;)


have a good one,
-j