{music}

music has always been a big part of my life.  i started singing when i was little.  i sang in the church choir, was in chorus in high school, and was a voice-performance major my freshman year of college (and graduated a finance major - go figure).  i took piano lessons, dance, played the alto sax in middle school, and i want to learn how to play the guitar (perhaps by the time i'm 35?).  i can also play a mean recorder.  just ask my husband - haha.

there are so many songs in the soundtrack to my life.  there are so many memories connected to those songs.  i love songs that are not well-known or 'mainstream'.  when i hear a song during a show like 'grey's anatomy' or on 'so you think you can dance', etc., i go to google, type in some of the lyrics i remember, and add them to my itunes wishlist (or sometimes i'm really crazy and i go ahead and buy them ;)). 

it is amazing when i hear someone singing live, knowing exactly what they're feeling as they're hitting that perfect note, in that perfect spot in their voice, and getting chills (and sometimes tears).  amazing.

i love love love the playlists that rachel plays during my hot class.  i know that i'm supposed to be breathing and not *thinking*, but my mind drifts to the lyrics and sometimes i find myself keeping time to the music with my breath.  and i do try to snag pieces of the lyrics so that i can find the songs in itunes later on.  (sometimes you'll see me in my car after class, just typing away on my iphone.  last night i found two).

music is my therapy.  it is healing.  and i completely love it.

-j

i am thirsty

my journey thus far has been incredible.  if even just to me.

i FEEL better, i have lost weight (13 pounds and counting), i am stronger, i found a love in yoga, i have made great strides in my personal life (perhaps i will share one day)...and i am thirsty.

i thirst for more of God's Word, i thirst for yoga, i thirst for happiness, i thirst for continuous self-improvement...

a girl in my 40-day group posted the following picture onto our facebook group.  i found it on pinterest:



for most of my life, i have not actually 'lived'.  i have used the way i look as an excuse.  an excuse not to go shopping (why stand around while others try on clothes that don't fit me?), to go out in college (who would want to look at me?), to go to the gym (with everyone else looking hot while they sweat... while i just looked sweaty), etc. etc..

so, even SHOWING UP at the yoga studio was a HUGE step for me. :)  and i am so glad i had the courage to do so.

because while i was missing out on EXPERIENCES in my life, i was minimizing my own determination.  my own strength. 

i have every right to live life and experience, just like everyone else who i used to think deserved it more than me.

i am MORE than the way i look.  i am beginning to realize that now.  i have a lot to offer to the people around me.

i am so THIRSTY to continue to improve myself - spiritually, mentally, physically... and i thank you for supporting me in my journey.

-j

hot yoga makes my eyeballs sweat

i was planning on going to the 6:00am efficient class today, but i just wanted (i won't say that i just *couldn't* make myself get up at 4:50) to sleep later. it worked out that i could go to two classes tonight (girls, does that count for day 12 AND 13? ;)). i chose to go to hot and yin.

i've only shared this blog with my 40 day group and a few loved ones. today, after a friend read my first post, i received one of the most touching emails i've ever received. i carried around snippets of that email in my head throughout the rest of my day.

a portion said that no matter what i've been through in my life, i am a strong person. as i was shaking while holding poses tonight, i said to myself that i am strong. even though i couldn't (yet!) hold (or attempt) certain poses, i am strong. i am using the body that God has given me. i am making it the way He intended. i am using MY body to improve myself, to make me sweat, to make me strong. i am using MY body that gave me my beautiful girls. my practice is mine. i am constantly becoming stronger in the physical sense, like i am strong in the non-physical. i am different than anyone in the studio. i am me, and they are them. we each push our body as far as we can. but i'm not going to automatically assume i can't do something just because of how i look. i AM strong.

during our class, the speakers stopped working. the sound of rachel's instructions and the calm breathing (um...panting? ;)) were all we could hear for awhile. at the end of class, when we went into corpse pose (i can't remember the real term), rachel tried the speakers again, and "have a little faith in me" was on. now, i don't know if that was going to be the next song anyway had the speakers not gone out, or if she turned that song on especially for the end of class. i'll believe the former...

as i lay there, trying to calm my breath and just BE (which is hard for me), i heard snippets of the song... i know it's not intended this way, but i'm going to have a little faith in ME.

so tonight? as the song was playing, feeling the cool cloth on my head, and as i was laying in puddles of my hard-earned sweat, i wasn't just tearing up as i sometimes do while practicing yoga. tonight? full on heaves.

thank you, rachel, for a wonderful class.

the time is NOW...

this blog is going to be very open and honest.  i hope that it will help others open up if they need to.  we can all help each other.  'no man is an island.'  


i ran across the below (in italics) in my 'drafts' folder in my email account.  it is dated 01.20.10.  yes, almost two years ago...


things that my body hinders me from (or makes hard for me to do):
-being happy
-sitting comfortably (car, work, theatre, planes, etc.)
-crossing my legs
-looking nice
-painting my toe nails
-tying my shoes
-finding clothes that fit (funny how i can't find clothes to work out in, either!)
-LIVING


the time to change is NOW.  i am tired of it.  i'm tired of excuses, and i'm tired of the 'i'll start on monday', 'i'll start on the 1st', 'i'll start on the 1st.  of january'.  although much more has changed in my life in the past almost-three years (perhaps i'll go into it all sometime), i HAVE to change.  NOW.


although i ran across the above in my drafts folder, i actually made this declaration in december.  i had decided that 2012 will be MY year.  much has gone on in my life over the past few years (as in everyone's, i know) that has affected my weight.  i know now that IT didn't affect my weight; eating is how i chose to deal with it.  it was MY choices that made me get to where i am.


regarding my food - my husband, brother, sister-in-law and i are tracking our food and exercise on the   myfitnesspal app.  i started on 01.03.12 7.6 pounds more than i am now.  i have been mindful of every bite i put in my mouth.  if i bite it, i write (or type ;)) it.  


as far as exercise and MOVING - i have a friend who started a blog about her journey with yoga.  she happened to write her first post on a night where i was completely down.  it was just what i needed!  because of her blog, i joined her at the yoga studio on december 20th, and i ended up loving it and signing up for a 40 day yoga challenge.  i have practiced yoga for 10 days in a row now (the challenge began on january 8th).


yoga has been my life-saver.  i know that sounds cheesy and all, being that i am so new to it.  because of how i chose to deal with all that i have been dealt in life, i'm very overweight, have the self-esteem of an ant (or perhaps a speck of dust), and have really had to lean into my Faith.  


my goal for this year is HEALTH.  that is all-encompassing to me.  i want to become healthy emotionally (learning how to live life without harming myself (eating more, etc.), physically (obvious - i need to lose a lot of weight and gain strength), financially (i need to get out of debt), and spiritually (i need to continue to grow as a Christian).  i want to be a better wife and a role-model for my children.


yoga is my outlet to do all of the above.  well, aside from the debt part ;)  it is very calming, i don't feel judged by how i look, we are all in it together, and i feel it's something i can do for the rest of my life.


okay, that's all for now.  be warned... i am a much better writer than speaker ;)


have a good one,
-j